Picture it. You are 63, getting ready for your first date in 30 years, and your hands are shaking so much you can barely do up your buttons. You catch yourself thinking: "This is ridiculous. I am 63, not 16."
If that sounds familiar, you are in good company. Plenty of people coming back to dating after a divorce, a bereavement or simply a long spell on their own are surprised by how nervous they feel. Many take it as a sign they are not ready. Our view is the opposite: those butterflies are one of the best signs there is.
Butterflies mean you still care
You do not get nervous about things that do not matter to you. Nobody feels a flutter before a trip to the post office. If your stomach is turning somersaults before a coffee with someone new, it means part of you is genuinely hoping this could go somewhere. After years of being told that romance is for the young, that is worth noticing.
It also means you are open. People who have closed the door on new relationships do not tend to feel nervous about them. Feeling a little shaky means the door is still ajar.
Nerves and excitement feel almost the same
Here is something that surprises most people. The racing heart, the dry mouth and the jittery stomach you feel before a date are much the same as what your body does when you are excited. The difference is largely the label you put on it.
Researchers at Harvard Business School tested this idea in a well-known 2014 study. People about to do something nerve-racking, such as sing in front of others or speak in public, were asked to say either "I am calm" or "I am excited" beforehand. Those who told themselves they were excited felt better and performed better than those who tried to calm down.
So next time the butterflies arrive, try saying it out loud: "I am excited." It feels a bit silly. It also works for a lot of people.
A few ways to settle the flutter
- Keep the first date short. A coffee or a walk is easier than a three-course dinner. You can always stay longer if it is going well.
- Sort out the practical bits early. Know where you are going, how you are getting there and how you will get home. One less thing to fret about.
- Have two or three easy questions ready. Holidays, grandchildren, the best thing they have eaten lately. Most people love talking about themselves, and it takes the pressure off you.
- Breathe out slowly. A few slow, long breaths out before you walk in can take the edge off a racing heart.
- Remember they are probably nervous too. The person across the table is very likely feeling exactly the same.
When to listen to the feeling
There is one important difference worth knowing. Butterflies about meeting someone new are normal. A nagging feeling that something about the person is not quite right is different, and you should listen to it.
If someone is pushing you to rush, asking about money, avoiding meeting in person or making you uneasy, that is not nerves. That is your good sense talking. Our dating safety guide has more on the warning signs, and you can always step back from any conversation you are not comfortable with.
Our view
Feeling nervous before a date at 50, 60, 70 or beyond is not a sign that you are too old for this. It is proof that you are not. So put on something you feel good in, say "I am excited" to the mirror, and go and enjoy yourself. The butterflies are coming along for the ride, and that is no bad thing.
If you are just getting started, you might also like our article on what over-50s really want from online dating.
Sources
Alison Wood Brooks, "Get excited: reappraising pre-performance anxiety as excitement", Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 2014.
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About the author: Ernie S writes news, views and lighter pieces for Wise Owl Dating, the UK dating site for the over 50s and part of the Cafe Dating Collection.